I’m sure that the reward of Hawaii will be worth the nightmare I am about to embark on. Now I know I am looking at this as a glass half empty scenario, but I am truly scared to make our first flight on an airplane with my twin 22 month old girls. Yes, my wife will be there. Yes, so will most of my family, along with another 21 month old toddler and a 3 year old. But have you seen the rules lately for traveling on an airplane in this post 9-11 world. No. Let me refresh your memory courtesy of our lovely government TSA website.

Effective Tuesday, September 26, air travelers may now carry liquids, gels and aerosols in their carry-on bag when going through security checkpoints.

With certain exceptions for prescription and over-the-counter medicines, baby formula and breast milk, and other essential liquids, gels, and aerosols, the following rules apply to all liquids, gels, and aerosols you want to carry through a security checkpoint.

All liquids, gels and aerosols must be in three-ounce or smaller containers. Larger containers that are half-full or toothpaste tubes rolled up are not allowed. Each container must be three ounces or smaller.

All liquids, gels and aerosols must be placed in a single, quart-size, zip-top, clear plastic bag. Gallon size bags or bags that are not zip-top such as fold-over sandwich bags are not allowed. Each traveler can use only one, quart-size, zip-top, clear plastic bag.

Each traveler must remove their quart-sized plastic, zip-top bag from their carry-on and place it in a bin or on the conveyor belt for X-ray screening. X-raying separately will allow TSA security officers to more easily examine the declared items.

Bringing a prohibited item to a security checkpoint – even accidentally – is illegal.

Please keep in mind that these rules were developed after extensive research and understanding of current threats. They are intended to help air travelers bring essential toiletries and other liquids, gels and aerosols for short trips. If you need larger amounts of liquids, gels and aerosols such as toothpaste or shampoo, please place them in your luggage and check them with your airline.

Did I mention that the kids don’t do well with strangers? I hope that the screening process doesn’t end our trip before it begins, because if some TSA Uber-employee wants to frisk my girls, they are in for a big surprise……. from my girls. Glass will shatter, eardrums will bleed and my other friendly travelers will run as fast as they can to get away from the deafening noise of my kids freaking out.

Or maybe it’s just me. My wife says I’m the one freaking out. Calling all Doctors. Valium prescription please. Pronto! Didn’t the rolling Stones write a song about Mother’s little helper? Well how about Daddy’s Best Friend! Bring on the pills. I figure I am better for everyone concerned if I’m sedated. Oh, didn’t I mention I hate flying. I like to travel, I just don’t believe that wings that flap like a bird on an airplane are safe. I don’t personally know the people that made the plane I’m traveling in. What if they were on drugs? Bolts could go flying everywhere at 40,000 feet. If we survive, I could end up like Lost. On some freaking island in the middle of nowhere with people I don’t even know (or like). At least I’ll have my family.Assuming they haven’t killed me yet for the benefit of the greater majority.

So, Let’s recap. My kids will probably be fine. I’m sure we won’t bring any gels, liquids or illegal substances on the plane. (With the exception of me crapping my pants and popping Valium.) The plane will land safely in Maui, and If my family, kids, and wife are still talking to me, and we will not make the “Do Not Fly List. That being said, I need to get to Maui so I can send those post cards to the winners of my little contest and also buy the surprise gift for Mama Bean (Christine was the big winner.)

I promise I’ll post pictures when I get there, because I can’t seem to travel anywhere without my laptop and a camera. I will let you know if I have any scars, permanent or emotional. If you are a true loyal reader and a parent of twins, you can send me your tips on how to travel with twins on airplanes. No really, I demand you send me your tips because in a few months we are heading to Germany to see my wife’s family. Shit, Now I’m really freaking out.

I’m off to find more Valium.

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Tags: Hawaii, Hope, travel, twins

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